Everything I Know About American History I Learned at the Mall

Our local shopping mall was carefully crafted to recreate a typical 19th century "Main Street USA" that you would have typically found in any "Our Town USA" anywhere in the "Good Ol' USA" of that time.

Being an astute and careful student of history, I decided to avail myself of this unique opportunity to study the past of "Our Great Land*" up close and personal. Oh, sorry, I meant "Up Close and Personal."

After a relaxing afternoon of strolling through this meticulous recreation of a bygone day in the life of "Our Noble Experiment*,"  I was able to form several firm conclusions about life in 19th Century "Our Shining Land*."

1. Paint of that time was of very poor quality; advertisements painted on buildings looked instantly faded
2. Victorian Americans wore lots of clothes because they were afraid of the weather. I deduced this from the fact that they built transparent domed ceilings over their city streets.
3. 19th century American towns had police forces, but they were not highly trained and often overweight.
4. America in those days had much stricter zoning laws than we do today. All the eating establishments were confined to one part of town.
5. Victorian streets were terrorized by large bands of very loud teenagers.
6. I was at a bit of a loss to interpret what the numerous kiosks hawking cell phones represented. My theory is that in early small town America, they probably sold wire and telegraph poles.

This has been such an enjoyable way to learn history. Next week I want to learn more about the Middle Ages. I've booked a table at Medieval Times.

*It just occurred to me that I'm channeling titles of elementary school history textbooks of my childhood. One more evidence that I am an eminently qualified historan.