Everything I Know About American History I Learned at the Mall

Our local shopping mall was carefully crafted to recreate a typical 19th century "Main Street USA" that you would have typically found in any "Our Town USA" anywhere in the "Good Ol' USA" of that time.

Being an astute and careful student of history, I decided to avail myself of this unique opportunity to study the past of "Our Great Land*" up close and personal. Oh, sorry, I meant "Up Close and Personal."

After a relaxing afternoon of strolling through this meticulous recreation of a bygone day in the life of "Our Noble Experiment*,"  I was able to form several firm conclusions about life in 19th Century "Our Shining Land*."

1. Paint of that time was of very poor quality; advertisements painted on buildings looked instantly faded
2. Victorian Americans wore lots of clothes because they were afraid of the weather. I deduced this from the fact that they built transparent domed ceilings over their city streets.
3. 19th century American towns had police forces, but they were not highly trained and often overweight.
4. America in those days had much stricter zoning laws than we do today. All the eating establishments were confined to one part of town.
5. Victorian streets were terrorized by large bands of very loud teenagers.
6. I was at a bit of a loss to interpret what the numerous kiosks hawking cell phones represented. My theory is that in early small town America, they probably sold wire and telegraph poles.

This has been such an enjoyable way to learn history. Next week I want to learn more about the Middle Ages. I've booked a table at Medieval Times.

*It just occurred to me that I'm channeling titles of elementary school history textbooks of my childhood. One more evidence that I am an eminently qualified historan.

Miracles Just Aren't Worth What They Use to Be

"Used burning bush: 40% Off Original Price! Only used on sabbaths by one God. Mint condition -- hardly singed."

Photo credit: @linc4justice from his blog: The Habitation of Justice.

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4. Find me the missing audio to Freaks and Geeks episode 4 part 4 on YouTube and bring it to me, along with the broom of the Wicked Witch of the West.

Because Even Vampires Need a Buzz Now and Then

Every bar in the world should stock this.

Why? OK, Mr. Bar Owner, how many of your patrons last night were vampires?

Are you sure? Are you really sure? 

 We're just talking basic proactive safety measures here. Patrons who get bitten on the neck and subsequently become undead don't have a tendency of becoming repeat customers.

Image by lism. via Flickr

So the next time some wispy, emo-haired, doe-eyed young dude with incisors that Billy Mays would have sold on late night TV as "better than Ginsu knives!" shows up at your bar, you serve him up one of these.

And if you never get a vampire customer....you could always serve it to your white supremacist clientele.

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FUN INTERACTIVE ACTIVITIES to REINFORCE this LESSON!!!

1. Click Share This button below and send this post to your friends!
2. Go to the Fan Box in the sidebar and follow PublicLens on Facebook, Twitter, or Friendfeed
3. Right below the Fan Box, subscribe to PublicLens in your favorite Feed Reader.
4. Leave a comment with a better caption than ours. Then go get your own humor blog and never come here again.
4. Jump down, turn around, pick a bale of cotton. LiveJournal the experience.